dammit

ahhh. today has been a terribly awful day. to start it off, it's cold and cloudy and drizzling something nasty from the sky; i can't seem to get warm. and more: i talked with my church today about mozambique and they didn't like the way this opportunity sprang up so quickly without space for appropriate timing nor did they feel comfortable with the lack of thorough investment on the part of World Relief in evaluating candidates (am i underqualified on paper, yeah...could i do a professional and excellent job, yeah...). overall, the situation wasn't up to their standards, which i completely understand -- i would have the same reservations if i were in their shoes! -- but in part the cold is settled deep into my marrow because, beyond the timing of the mozambican situation, one of the church's additional reservations was that this opportunity isn't appropriate/strategic for where i'm at. in other words, they'd rather have me be a professional filmmaker or a professional this-or-that, or an experienced something-or-other...but not a bundle of passionate potential who is seeking experience in the world! and i'm thinking, 'dammit, i have to start SOMEWHERE!! someone just needs to give me a chance!' but everyone wants someone with experience. and so i'm left with no starting point. none whatsoever. ...and so what i need is someone who sees my potential and is willing to make me an apprentice and bring me up in the ways of a particular vocation. or maybe i could be described as young talent waiting to be discovered, in need of an agent who can properly market me. ...i'm being diligent, i'm being thorough, i'm networking...where will my break come?!?!? i guess you could say i'm coming to terms with my lack of marketable skills, with the fact that i thought i planned on going to seminary, but then realized that the career options coming out of this particular brand of education are not appealing to me (weddings, funerals, preaching, cousneling, organizational management...); in addition, i have a b.s. in physics, but i'm not interested in following the single physics career track which requires grad school and leads to university-level teaching and research. ...so what the hell am i left with? and i dont' know. i mean, i know i want to work in a non-profit, particularly one affiliated with the Christian church...but how to get there and what to do once i'm there...i don't know. and i know i want further education, but in what?? i suppose i don't have to know this yet, as all i'm asking right now is a year or more of experience before returning to school. (i realize this time off from the academic world is absolutely necessary for both professional excellence and -- more so -- for personal formation...) ...but i'd like an excellent opportunity for the present. perhaps Americorps will offer this, but i'm afraid i will not receive the position...

God, i'm sick of not being a real contributing member of society and i realize that you approve of me even when i'm floundering in the unknown. haven't i yet learned my lessons?? what use can you make of me as i serve tables at a sports bar?!?! i'm made for so much more. i want to coordinate people and communities and organizations that need connecting, i want to restructure organziations to make them the best they can be, i want to travel the world to encounter truth beyond that which i know and similarly to support the global church, i want to make films, i want to learn many different languages and converse to the point of resonance with someone the other side of the world in her native tongue, i want to learn the jewish context of my Christian faith and help renew the irrelevant paradigms of the western church, i want the Spirit to use my latex-ed hands to surgically remove from their eyes the layers of cataracts -- be they the baggage of family problems or upbringing, destructive habits, poorly-paced weekly rhythms...whatever they may be -- until they can see the fine details of the way the light dances between shadows...and then for Her to accompany my feeble voice to sing the truth that this light they see and call beautiful is the same glorious light that scintillates within their own souls...and then for Her wisdom to distribute through me the necessary tools which empower them to live in sustained freedom and hope and with love.

i also found out that my brother is thinking of transferring to michigan state next year because of his grades. i checked out a house directly across the street from the house he's supposed to be living in next year and it's terrible to think that he might not be here in town; i want him around!!! and for his own sake, he's thriving here and the people he's with are excellent. ...he shouldn't leave, i don't think, and i ache that he's having to consider leaving for pragmatic reasons.

and this guy i dated for over a year a while back emailed me today and said he was having a hard time handling our communicaitons (we've been emailing a few times a month and talking onthe phone very occasionally)...he thinks he needs to take some time...ahhhhh, i thought it was safe for us to interact because he lives far away...but apparently even with miles in between old emotions can be stirred. i hope, hope, hope that i haven't hurt him further.

i guess that's all the bad stuff i can think of for now. i am thankful though for the very supportive community i have around me. ...not sure what i'd do without them.