strain

this is going to have to be short. i'm lying in bed, getting ready to read my before-bed chapter of The Brothers Karamazov -- by Dostoevsky, of course. i figured out that if i read one chapter per night, i'll be done in 9 weeks, 5 days. that puts me at june 1st. good thing i love dostoevsky!

in other news, this weekend felt STRAINED. i woke up friday morning in the worst of moods. i don't know why. i couldn't get my body to wake up. i thought i was going to fall asleep on my way to the university. ...i've drifted in and out of sleep during lectures before, but never during one i was giving! ...then i was watching "Mulholland Drive" (dir. David Lynch, 2001ish), and my roommate renae hated every minute of it. part of me felt like, "um, why don't you just leave the room if you hate it so much," and part of me felt bad for subjecting her to my tastes in cinema. strain again.

saturday brought a fondue party with friends. much fun was had (kudos to kristen and paul for stories of their most embarrassing moments); unfortunately, there were some strained interactions with fellow Fonduers. ...plus, my whole chunk of bread crumbled and got lost in the abyss of the pizza-flavored fondue. what a night!

and again on sunday. i was in a thoroughly grumpy mood by now. renae's sister and brother-in-law are here, and they came to church with us at Mars Hill. it didn't go very well, which can sometimes be the case with first-time visitors to Mars. the name doesn't help it out at all, but on top of that, Mars is very... different from what many people have grown up with and can be a shock to some. needless to say, there were some strained conversations about salvation and what exactly Mars Hill believes.

i think there are other strains going on internally. i'm trying to plan a trip to europe, but i haven't been able to get a hold of the friend i'm going with. and i worked 55 hours two weeks ago and then maybe 15 last week...so my rhythm is fitful and sporadic. i'm sure that has something to do with it too. ...i just can't seem to settle down. strain, strain, strain.

and so...i turn to my nightly reading of Dostoevsky to soothe me. ...though it's ironic... Book IV: Strains. ...Ch. 5: "Strain in the Drawing Room." Ch. 6: "Strain in the Cottage." ...and i quote: "Katerina Ivanova...out of "strain" was deceiving herself and tormenting herslef with her affected love for Dmitri, out of some kind of supposed gratitude..." (Ch. 5).

top reasons I'm not a good writer

Top Reasons I'm Not a Good Writer (in no particular order)
1. I've never done drugs.
2. I expect everything to come easily for me.
3. My job title is Writing Coordinator.
4. I got a NS (=Not Satisfactory) grade in writing on my 2nd grade report card.

alternatives (4 steps to becoming a Good Writer)
1. Be generous. Generosity might not be as drastic an alteration as is LSD, but there's something about it that flickers and whistles and beckons me away from my usual world. And I wake up somewhere I didn't expect, somewhere more fantastic, somewhere out of the ordinary. There's something chemical in generosity, don't you think?
2. Growing up, I was always the smartest in my class. But I'm not in classes anymore, and I'm intimidated by people who have more work and life experience than me. ...Cursed intelligence! You made me stupid...or at least made it difficult for me to adapt to the unprecedented height of the mental walls of Writer's Block. ...it's like running. I hate running because it's hard. I have to eat balanced meals, drink enough fluids, sleep through 2-3 REM cycles every night, wear the right running gear, do the necessary stretches... and even then it sometimes my muscles cramp and my lungs burn and i feel gangly and uncoordinated and my eyes sting with sweat. [sigh.] So I guess, on both accounts, I need some rigorous training. And it's going to be hard.
3. You heard me. My official, real-life job title is Writing Coordinator. The problem with this is there's too much pressure. I'm terrified. I'm skeptical. I'm queasy. I mean, I have a physics degree. I started writing and making films because they were blue-raspberry flavored popsicles to my brain dry-heaving on quantum mechanics. Is that completely dramatic?? Should I be embarrassed by that analogy? ...regardless, I wonder...What if I -- KristinK -- can't write? (Don't worry, it's just my Alter-Ego writing this blog entry...it's not the real KristinK.)
4. Maybe I'm still scarred, I don't know. But all I remember is being handed one of those ridiculos 1-inch ruled sheets of papers (if you're in 2nd grade, you know what I'm talking about), and I was told to write. Anything that came to mind. A story, a feeling, an idea. Anything that came to my little 2nd-grade mind. ...the problem was that nothing came to this little 2nd-grade mind. I went blank. The blankness seemed to pulse in sync with the second hand of the clock above the blackboard. ...Blank...blank...blank.... This 2nd-grade experience of Writer's Block is probably nothing more than an early manifestation of my perfectionism; I wanted the ending to be perfect before I even started writing. ...too bad perfectionism is a writer's worst enemy. Maybe I need to go back and read Anne Lamott's chapter on "Perfectionism" in Bird by Bird...

postscript
God, make me a writer. And -- writer or not -- I'm hoping you'll write plots into my life that I could never have hallucinated -- even with the help of the best drugs and my Alter-Ego.

and i'm back with a ...THUD...

well, it's now been an Officially Long Time since I've posted a blog. i thought i'd make my blogging comeback with a bang... or a THUD.

yes, i write to you tonight, bringing you only the most exciting of news. and my news? well, today i renewed my car insurance, transferred my car title from my parents to myself and filed my taxes. // all i want to know is this: how much fun can a girl cram into one day?!?! ...ugh...

yes, i have this week off from work after a 60-hour stint last week. did i mention i'm supposed to be part time?? ...regardless, the week off is the reason i have time to file my taxes -- and write a blog entry, finally.

...i'll fill in the past months' blogging gaps at a later time. i guess insurance and taxes have left me rather irritable and ready for sleep. but in the meantime, I've been spending time as Mars Hill staff; GVSU professor of physics; piano teacher; runner; reader of Dostoevsky, Julian of Norwich, G.K. Chesterton, lots of Torah and Torah commentary; friend; writer; and general walking Pod O' Genius/Creativity/Wit (debatably, particularly on the Wit portion of the Pod).

in conclusion, i wanted to make sure you're all aware of a new product (or at least it's new to me) called Chaser. Chaser offers "freedom from hangovers." Just take one pill after your second drink and one pill after each subsequent drink, and you'll be free of all hangover symptoms in the morning. Check out chaseronline.com for more. ...who comes up with these things? i just know some idiot is going to think Chaser prevents him from the headache of waking up next to a complete stranger...