the night of the hipsters

tonight i discovered what exactly it means to be hip anyway.  the "hipster handbook" breaks down what the formerly termed the "indie rock" camp (now passe lingo, so i'm told) is all about.  ...anyway, i'll read up...so for all of you who have known me since the beginning, let me just say:

 

now i really can be cool, guys.  ...i mean "deck...."

 
i went to the woods because i wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life.  and see if i could not learn what it had to teach and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived.  ~thoreau~
 
how old was thoreau when he "went to the woods"?  i could 'perform a research' to find out, but i would suspect that he was --like myself -- in his early 20's and experiencing the process commonly dubbed "finding oneself."  what exactly is this "finding oneself" anyway?  it's probably one of those things i can't explain until i go through it, and then after i have i still won't be able to explain it, but i'll have stories to tell.  life's like that.  anyway, the compelling reason young people must find themselves is rooted in a legitimate fear: if i cannot truly live now i will only damage myself and those people who mean most to me as well as strangers whose paths i cross and will ultimately cause a residue build-up of issues.  i want to stay as innocent and whole and unjaded as i can. 
 
create in me a clean heart, o god, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. ~psalm 51.10~on
 
one more thing, this time on red flags.  i've recently learned the importance of recognizing those little red flags that go up.  they act as indicators that something in another person or something in myself isn't quite right...like when someone blames everything on another person or a guy repeatedly asks you why you don't date or you get a headache whenever a certain memory comes to mind (examples courtesy of my roommates).  ...in my case of late, i've learned this particularly in the department of the male gender.  red flags must be dealt with tactfully, neither assuming he wants six children and a dog nor assuming all is platonic.  tact.  that's all i'm saying.  no extra frills to lead him on, no reason to compromise myself in fear that he'll like me.  afterall, it's his own damn fault if he falls for me!  ...anyway, the moral of the story for this girl who copes by denial is this:
 

don't deny the little red flags

 

now i'm off to bed because my head is pounding from sinus pressure and my eye is oozing.  gross. 

yellow and burnt orange

on "elephant," Gus Van Sant directing ("finding forrester" & "goodwill hunting")
this title, i'm told, is inspired by "the Buddhist parable about three blind men who are unable to describe a pachyderm after touching it." this seems appropriate given the subject matter, which ought not be subjected to articulation.

"elephant" is also lacking any emotion of hysteria at the same time as it goes without providing explanation on the cause of killings. the characters' lives brush past each other and against each other to create an intimacy among them. i too feel the brushing, brushing, brushing and find myself experiencing the movement of this seemingly ordinary day along with them. ...it is good to step back from questions that were raised during the hysteria of it all. "will my child get shot in school today?" and "what is wrong with the American school system?" in place of hysteria is pure unpanicked grief and sadness; this is much needed.

plus the yellow and orange tones all smooth and polished are incredible... the effect takes me to memories of the scented lip balm with the yellow and orange sunshine on its lid i had as a little girl.

day 2

two things:

1. last night, in a moment of brilliance on my part, i had this profound realization:

i'm only coordinated when i'm upside down.

this explains many discrepancies. one example: we can now understand why it is possible that i experience such disastrous results while walking around in the morning (don't follow in my footsteps - i walk into walls) in the very same day as i experience the thrill of landing a backflip with ease. ...you get the point.

2. on a more serious note, here's a quote from a film i watched last night. i resonate strongly.

i suppose i do have one unembarrassed passion. i want to know how it feels to care about something passionately. ~susan, "adaptation"~